sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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