we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
