I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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