It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
