i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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