i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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