i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
