I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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