drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
