there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Your cock deserves a montage
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
