How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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