Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
