I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
