Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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