In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
