No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
