I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
