im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
