he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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