Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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