My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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