well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
