my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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