If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
