dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
