college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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