I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
