so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
