i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
