The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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