i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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