Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
