Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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