thus making me awesome and them whores
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
