You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
