While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
