apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
