i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
