fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
