woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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