it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize