Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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