i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
