Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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