Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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