two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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