I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
