I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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