trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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