I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
