happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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