I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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