I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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