I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
