They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
