I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
