Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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