I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
