when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
