I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
