i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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