Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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