i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
