He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
