I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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