if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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