can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
